Wanna Laugh your Babushka off ? Check out these 2 Great Albums from The Ukrainian Oldtimers
"This recording is made for all of you who have a great sense of humour
and are not easily offended by raunchy humour. If you enjoy this
recording tell everyone about it and bring it to every party you
attend. In case you don't care for it - Don't tell anyone about it,
just throw it out your window and we hope no one finds it. So get ready
to take off your hat, let your hair down and have a "Belly Laugh" like
you never had before."
10. Experiencing the thrill of popping wheelies in your wheelchair
9. When you want to ignore someone, just fake hearing loss.
8. You always carry your own noisemaker - in your pants
7. Never having to wash your chin...ever again.
6. You can get a cool SUW (Sport Utility Walker)
5. No matter how many times you re-read a book, the ending is always a surprise
4. You can be "incontinental" without ever leaving the country
3. Liver spots will eventually grow together to create a nice even tan
2. Getting to say fun words like "lumbago" and "bursitis"
1. Blowing out Birthday candles with your oxygen tank !
An Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.
He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.
Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy."
Ukrainian pierogies
An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Ukrainian pierogies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite pierogies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Ukrainian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogies was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the pierogies at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife...... "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
Wife isn't in the car
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this ukrainian farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Celebrating an event
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Ivan," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Maria," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.
Ukrainian farmer travels
A Ukrainian farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Ukrainian says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Ukrainian immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Ukrainian sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in the Ukraine"?
Mother-in-law killed
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
What do you call a Ukrainian hanging from a tree?
Branch Manager
How do you kill a one armed Ukrainian in a tree?
Wave at him
Did you know that we have a long lost relative named Sam Ting?
Well, when your great-great-grandfather and his brother got off the boat from Ukraine, the man at the gate of Ellis Island said, "What is your name, sir?" "Wodoslawsky," your great-great-grandfather replied. The man let him through and he stepped forward. His brother stepped up and the man said, "What is your name, sir?""Sam' ting!"
